“Sit, be still, and listen,
because you’re drunk
and we’re at
the edge of the roof.”
I’ve been having the same anxiety dream for almost three years now. This is a dream I’ve safely ignored for the same amount of time. In fact, I have not paid attention to it until the last month or so. Maybe because it happens 4-5 times a week now, and includes me sleepwalking and talking.
It has been a frequent topic of conversation at morning coffee with my therapist husband. The feeling is one that is familiar to me in in my waking life. It’s the feeling of needing to do something… something important. This is sometimes the feeling the creates the whole arc of my day, propelling me to produce.
But at night, in the midst of rest, the feeling manifests differently. It comes to me as something essential I need to do to save my children’s life, but I can’t remember what it is. The answer flies through my brain, and I can’t catch it, no matter how hard I try. I often awake and rush to the hallway before I wake myself up. And even as my logical mind realizes it’s a dream, the feeling is real, flowing through my body.
Now I sit with it. It is the opposite of what I want to do. It is the opposite of what I’m trained to do. And it hasn’t worked in the sense that the dream still comes. But I’ve come to the edge of the roof, and my mind is drunk. Even though I sit, I am not still, and every day I struggle over and over again to listen.