I felt disconnected lately. I’ve rather felt like I’ve been drifting, meaninglessly, aimlessly for a few weeks. I’m not sure if it’s lack of awareness, or painful awareness, that I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’ve really lacked drive and clarity on what my purpose is in getting out of bed everyday.
And I’ve have to say, as Disney as it sounds, all I can come up with is love. My desire and greed for love drives me. And lately, I’ve shut down that desire. I was tired of wanting, tired of confusion. No thanks.
I don’t know if love is blind, but it sure makes us crazy. It’s complex. It doesn’t make sense. You can’t box it up, you can’t understand it, and you definitely can’t due it justice blogging about it. Some days, I don’t want to mess with it. But without it, I’m not sure I can find a reason to pull off the covers.
I read in Richard Schaubs book, The End of Fear, about how we run from our fear of loving life by 3 main paths of avoidance:
1: Religion, rules will save me, it’s about the afterlife
2: Materialism, I’ll be safe when I have that
3. Detachment/Disengagement, Screw it nothing matters anyway
Busted. I’ve done my share of clinging to religions doctrines for comfort, chasing money and my escape of choice; detachment. Hey, if everything changes and nothing lasts, why try? Why even feel if it’s going to hurt?
Crazy, maybe. Human, you better believe it. But all those clever plans do is keep us from living fully NOW. Always putting us at the mercy of some future destination or condition. Our minds best laid plans it turns out, can be full of shit.
When I look deeper, I notice a theme. At the root of religion, material accumulation, detachment, is there not a deep yearning for love and unconditional acceptance? Are we not all seeking the same feeling? Whether it by securing our place at heaven’s gates, securing our bank account or simply playing it safe and avoiding risks? A moment of feeling home, able to finally rest and be vulnerable to this fleeting moment.
It’s scary this human condition. No matter how tough we are or much money we have, a part of us knows deep down we risk grief and loss at every moment. We are, in many ways powerless. And what could be seen as wisdom opening us up to life, often becomes an unconscious fear knocking us into overdrive. We overeat. We over work. We over do. We are a society with our foot stuck on the gas pedal. All trying to get home. Yet, if home where the heart is, you have to bring it to this moment.
Bottom line, you can’t find love in the past or future, or in our minds for that matter. It can only be felt and feelings can only happen NOW.
I have a dear friend who shared a strategy he learned from a wise soul that helps him see past the tricks our minds play to keep us from living. His secret was to place post-its randomly all over his house and office. That post- it said.
Yup, it’s NOW. LOVE the shit out of it.