Lost and Found
So I’ve been back 5 weeks now to my cubicle job as a health coach after a month long traveling adventure in Costa Rica. The first week back, I crashed. Worst break up ever. I had never been on such a high or felt so in love…with the beauty, the sunshine, the person I got to be in a foreign country. I got to be completely… lost. The minute I got back, I felt like I had to break up with that person to smush myself back into the roles I played. You know, fit into some box that made sense to people.
To backtrack, I’m a person who has wrestled with finding my place in the world all my life. I actually had a friend say to me a few months ago, “You are the classically lost person, who hasn’t found her voice.” OUCH. It hit deep. I immediately felt this pressure to hurry up and figure out my identity and label it. Yet, to be honest, that kinda crushes my soul.
And what it’s taken my years and foreign countries to realize, is that maybe I fit in the most, when I am allowed to be lost. After all, the first CD I ever owned was Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces. Maybe my voice is the lost voice, with lost of spaces and pauses, or even the voice of silence. We live in a very noisy world, where everyone is telling you who you are, who you aren’t, attaching millions of labels and roles to you. Where is the space to get lost? How can we breathe in new life without fresh oxygen from time to time? In such a busy, noisy world, have we collectively forgotten the wisdom of silence and space?
Maybe I’m being part of the counter culture by getting extra lost and extra silent, you know a way to balance out the sails for those who know exactly who they are, but I’m not so sure it’s a bad thing. Maybe we need each other. I’ve heard it said that when given space to our thoughts, creativity immediately pours in. I don’t know if it’s true, but hell it’s gotta be worth a try. Surely it beats the same cycle of thoughts and actions over and over day after day. I do believe some wise person called that, insanity.
So, I’m not so sure I want to be found. I think Coco J. Ginger said it best….“I never want to arrive. I love the ride.”