I’ve come down with a case of the blahs lately. Their melody seems to linger and I can’t shake it. I heard an analogy recently about emotions being like chords in music. They can come in waves of 3, 5, sometimes more. Sometimes creating beautiful harmony, other times, painful disharmony. And lately I’ve been playing a despair flat, with loud doubt and an almost silent gratitude. It’s not my prettiest song, and it’s raising quite the havoc in my soul. And the subliminal message I seem to keep hearing is, how do you measure your worth? When all is said and done, when you are lying in your bed each night, how will you measure if it was enough? How will you reconcile with your being that you have indeed, lived well this past 24 hours? It seems to open an unanswered can of worms, but somewhere deep in my being, I feel it’s a question worth asking.
Where do we go for confirmation we have met our enough quota for the day? Will the enough bell ring after we have physically exhausted ourselves past the point of keeping our eyes open? Perhaps after we’ve checked everything off our spouses, managers, and individual to do list for the day? Will the message of enough come by hearing the words of someone else validating our worth, saying we can rest now, we’ve made it? What does it take before we give ourselves permission to feel deserving and accepting of grace and rest, right now?
It seems we can go to some pretty self-destructive and exhausting places seeking it. I work as a wellness coach and during a conversation with a fellow colleague we both realized, we often serve as professional validators. We humans seem to get so tired of wrestling with questions of our own worthiness, we often give that power away. I find myself wanting to say, hell I don’t want that job either, too much responsibility. I know I have given mine away, to lovers, Facebook posts, spiritual guru’s advice, and my parents’ expectations. It’s been a slippery slope. I’ve spent much of my life repeating someone else’s song instead of singing my own. It’s tough wrestling with our worthiness in the depths of our soul. Questioning it, chewing on it, spitting it out, playing a different tune. But maybe it’s worth swallowing something you can digest; playing a chord that resonates with your soul. It’s sort of an inside job no one can do for you. Maybe that awareness alone, that we are all unique specimens and creations makes us just being us…enough?
I’d love to hear what whispers beneath your blahs and how you reconcile your enoughness below.